November is National Adoption Month

As November is National Adoption Month, I have been thinking about what has led me to this place now where I think about adoption almost everyday.

About three years ago…..before I really thought about my adoption,  I was at a place in my life, almost 40, and unhappy with my career, marriage and life in general….my manager forwarded this video to our team.

Being the sap that I am, I found myself crying, right in the middle of a busy workday.  Later that night, I googled team Hoyt and read their story. I really couldn’t imagine what it was like to have a father or mother who loved me so much that  I would be carried, pulled, pushed in a marathon or triathlon.  I could imagine what it was like for me to fight to my death for my sons, because as a mother, that’s how I feel.  I then googled MercyMe, the group performing the song on this video…”I Can Only Imagine”.  The singer and song writer, Bart Millard, explained the inspiration behind this song….He wrote this song after his father died because he often would hear people say to him….”I can only imagine what it feels like to lose someone…yada yada yada.  Bart was a man of great faith, but even he struggled with grief over losing his father and wrote this song, because he wanted to express his sadness of losing someone important to him,  although he knew God was taking care of his father. ”I Can Only Imagine” has become an inspirational song, but the song wasnt written to be inspirational…it was written so a man of great faith could express his anger, sadness and frustration over the death of his father, which made no sense to him.  Once I learned this, I loved the song even more.

This song became my safe haven during the work day for about 6 months.  If I got a nasty email from someone, heard destructive gossip or just felt like life was being sucked from my spirit, I would think of this song or click play with my headphones on. 

A few months later, I looked up MercyMe again and found they were doing a concert about 3 hrs from me.  I called a friend who was going through a difficult time in her life and asked her if she was interested in going with me.  I found out this was her favorite Christian group and the concert fell on her birthday weekend.  She was excited to make this concert her birthday present to herself.  I made all the arrangements and a few weeks later, we found ourselves chatting all the way there, having dinner and then going to the concert. 

The opening band, Audio Adrenaline, was on their farewell tour.  I had never heard of them, although they were very big in the Christian rock world.  Up to this point, I sang Christian rock songs in church, but had little knowledge about that genre of music.  This band was amazing!  I expected to love seeing MercyMe, but had no idea that an opening band could have such a big impact on me and my life. One of  the songs Audio Adrenaline performed that night, The Ocean Floor, hit me hard.  Here are the lyrics…

The mistakes I’ve made
That caused pain
I could have done without
All my selfish thought
All my pride
The things I hide
You have forgot about
They’re all behind you
They’ll never find you
They’re on the ocean floor
Your sins are forgotten
They’re on the bottom
Of the ocean floor
My misdeeds
All my greed
All the things that haunt me now
They’re not a pretty sight to see
But they’re wiped away
By a mighty, mighty wave
A mighty, mighty wave
Your sins are erased
And they are no more
They’re out on the ocean floor
Take them away
To return no more
Take them away
To the ocean floor

If you have about 5 extra minutes, take a look and listen on YouTube…it really is a beautiful song……

I had been seriously thinking about quitting work.  During this song, I believe God spoke to me and said….You know what to do and you will be ok.  At that moment, I knew I would resign and I would be taken care of and that I was doing what was good for me and my family.  Two weeks later, I submitted my resignation.

To this day, my former manager has no idea that it was the This Father’s Love video he sent to me, which triggered a series of events and ultimately led to my resignation. I learned from this experience that the bad stuff in your life can sometimes impact your life postively.  During the rough times at work, I didnt have faith most of the time that God was with me, which was far from the truth.  My manager who once treated me respectfully, began to treat me badly and unfairly, but ended up inadvertently doing something which changed my life forever….and in a good way.  And God has always provided for us….even after losing one income.

Until this past year, I was looking for meaning in my work, but recently I realized that I can find meaning in my work with how I choose to spend the money I make.

I believe in the quietness of not working, I was able to gain the strength to look into my adoption. 

Since my last birthday, I have been heavily contemplating how I can make more meaningful contributions to my church and TRACK.  Sure…I could send a few bucks here and there, but my heart says…that’s not enough.  I prayed about it for the past few weeks and then last Monday, two names popped in my head as soon as I woke up who I hadnt thought about in 6 months. Five minutes later when I checked my email, there was an email from one of  those people, asking if I thought about returning to work yet and if so, she had a friend who was in the market for someone like me.

Monday I had the interview and it went very well.  I dont know the outcome yet and in a sense it does not matter.  I know that God is opening doors for me and I am headed in the right direction.

Since my interview, I have found out both these people went to this man I interviewed with and said….I know the perfect person for this job, etc….

If I was single without children, I would have already been on a plane to Korea, but I am not.  There is a way for me to make a positive impact in Korea, sitting right here in the US.

My heart is open to receiving God’ s intention for me and he is leading the way. 

As November is National Adoption Month, I would like for you to take a look  at Jane Jeong Trenka’s birthmother, Lee Pil-Rye, perspective. Jane is the author of Fugitive Visions and The Language of Blood, and co-editor of Outsiders Within: Writing on Transracial Adoption. She is president of TRACK (Truth and Reconciliation for the Adoption Community of Korea).

Please take a look at what adoption meant to the late Lee Pil-Rye….What Does Gotcha Mean?

Birth Family Search Unlike Sudoku

Yep, I am doing laundry again.

Tuesday is my usual laundry day.  If left to my own desire, I would typically forego all housework as it’s not something I love to do, but something I do to give to my family.  I dont find joy in the actual work itself, but the peace it brings to our family.  Keeping work as a routine, helps me to be organized and gets it accomplished.  Otherwise, I may choose something more fun, like reading a book, visiting with friends or playing Sudoku to fill my time when I am bored.

Last September I injured my ankle and had to stay off my foot entirely for 3 days.  Sudoku kept my mind busy, but it didnt take long for me to get hooked.  It reminds me of when I was addicted to Mahjong back in the early 90’s.  I had a 20 lb laptop (I dont think I am exaggerating) and would close the door to my office (back when real offices existed for non execs, not cubicles they now call “offices”) and although I was paid by commission and bonus only, I still felt guilty for sneaking Mahjong games during the work day.  I removed the program within a month to keep myself on track.  A few months later, I was introduced to Tetris on Nintendo.  The first day I played, my eyes were tearing because I played like 8 hours straight and only pulled away because I had a party to attend and someone physically tugged my arm. 

I have known since then that I have an addictive tendency.  Granted it’s not drugs or alcohol, but any addiction if improperly kept in check, can destroy lives.  So when I say that I am now addicted to Sudoku, I mean that I love playing it, but I dont allow it to come before the important people in my life or things which I want to have priority like paying bills, cooking for the family or maintaining the housework. 

I have been a stay-at-mom two times in my life…when my sons were little and now. I know there will be a time when I return to the workforce, but the next go-around, I pledge not to allow work to come before my family.  That’s the mistake I made last time.  I allowed too many promotions and position changes, which required more and more of my time and chose to let it interfere with my family.  It wasn’t worth what it did to our family and the guilt I felt when I was away. My temporary hiatus from the workforce has afforded me the opportunity to explore my adoption and bring back a level of comfort and stability within our family’s home life.

Talking about my adoption, brings me back to Sudoku, which is a fun, yet challenging game.  You can choose your level of difficulty, time yourself or just play it leisurely.  I work my book from back to front, choosing the most difficult puzzles first.  I wish that I could compare my birth family search to a Sudoku game, but it’s not the same.  With Sudoku, I know I will only have one right solution, no matter the difficulty level and eventually I will know if I’ve made an error.  I then backtrack and remove all my errors (I use a whiteout pen) and then redo the puzzle.  Organizations, like G.O.A’L, have listed on their website a suggested process for searching for your birth family, but in my case there are too many unknowns.  I know that my next step is to go to Korea, but the result of taking that trip is also an unknown.  With Sudoku, there are unknowns but it is solvable, whereas finding my birth family may always remain unsolved. I wouldnt mind choosing the “Challenger” level with the birth family search if I knew that I would eventually get to solve the mystery. 

If you dont see a post from me on a Tuesday,  I am probably happily solving a puzzle in between laundry loads, wishing my adoption story could unfold like Sudoku.

It wasnt enough until now.. My DNA Result

It wasnt enough:

• I look “full Korean”, even to Korean Koreans.
• I knew my adoptive father was a liar.
• My Afather’s story of how he rescued me from Korea sounded unbelievable.
• Finding details about my adoption has always been explained to me as “finding a needle in a haystack”.
• I have been afforded better opportunities in the US than had I stayed in Korea.

So here is MY quote for the day.

When truth doesnt find you….you find the truth.

In my May 1st post…Why Did you Adopt Me?   My Identity Story….I explained that I was 99.9999999% confident my adoptive father lied to me and he was NOT my biological father as he told me and countless others.  My gut told me he concocted another lie.  Twenty-five years and two months later, I went to a DNA lab to give me scientific proof.

Although adoptive father is no longer living….he did father 2 biological sons.  The DNA lab performed a half-siblings test.  Basically, the test calculated the probability of bio son and I sharing the same father.

Here is the result.

 

.00001% probability we share the same father!

My gut was the same as the DNA results!  The DNA tests validates my adoptive father was a liar AND there is no way in hell he EVER fathered me.  If my afather’s lie was the truth, my biological mother died 41 years ago.   This test tells me that I am not related to the sicko AND there is hope my biological mother is still living. 

This is such an awesome feeling!  Even though I am by myself, I shouted and danced around!  Finally, some good news!

It wasnt enough…until now!

Today, it’s my birthday in Korea

Today, it’s my birthday…in Korea. I wonder if my birth family saw me on the KBS show,  “I Miss That Person”, back in July. I also wonder…is my birthmom still alive and if she is….does she think about me?

My birthday is simultaneously tenuous and perplexing.  As an adoptee, not knowing my actual birthday reminds me of my adoption and all the mixed emotions attached to it and at the same time, adds the feelings of unimportance to it.  If I dont know my actual birthdate, why should I attach importance to the day?

Many of us adoptees are looking for validation.  I am grateful, learning I was abandoned in Daegu and not Seoul as originally reported to my adoptive parents, although it was a struggle to receive my files from Holt and Holt Korea.  And eventhough, the paperwork raised more questions and doubts within me, simply validating that I DID exist in Korea at one time and that not all remnants of my Korean existence were washed away with my adoption, I cried with joy and sadness for the motherless, Korean daughter I was in 1968. 

I am still feeling the backlash from my adoption because I have no validation from birth until 12/2/1968.   I am not alone.

With over 200,000 adoptees spread over this earth of ours, the seeds of adoption have been spread for over fifty years from Korea, The Land of the Morning Calm. 

Over fifty years……

A few of these seeds have returned to Korea, looking for answers to their own birth stories and more importantly, to promote awareness and reform within Korea.

Today, I am thinking about dandelions in a different way than most American think of dandelions.

Have you ever noticed dandelions grow seemingly overnight?  And wondered where those seeds actually scatter and plant themselves?  Did you know that while Americans view dandelions as a weed, Koreans consider them a flower? Korean Flower of Spring: Dandelion

The past three years, I have been pulling dandelions out of my yard almost daily (during their growing season) with my handy dandy hand tool.  When I miss a day, I am amazed on how many actually mature and spread their seeds before I yank them by their roots.  This past year, I learned about the activism in Korea to change adoptions and the way unwed mothers are treated.

Now, secretly, I rejoice the few dandelions who make it to maturity as my way to rebel against my American culture.  Additionally, the survivors symbolize the Dandelion movement to me in Korea.

I am sure of one thing about my birthdate…. Adoptions from Korea have been occurring before my birth.  Adoption agencies have protected their balance sheets long before my existence and continue to dismiss adoptees’ rights to have full access to birth records using language and culture barriers, subtle (sometimes overt) legal strategies and corporate structures. 

Today, I will purposely leave the dandelions in my yard alone, allow their seeds to scatter and plant themselves as my way to pay tribute to all the adoptees amd activists in Korea who are making changes in Korea.   In celebration of my birthday, I will make a contribution to TRACK and make this a birthday in which I think of something bigger than myself and my own personal frustrations.

One week for DNA results

I called the DNA lab today to check the status of my DNA test.  The customer service representative told me I should expect the results by October 8th.  One week away….

No AP Material Girl Here

Since the age of 12, I have loved being around children.  I was still a child myself, but was considered to be mature and responsible beyond my years. There were older girls in my neighborhood, but none of them could impress the parents as much as I did,  nor did they play with the children like I did, and so I became the neighborhood’s most popular babysitter.  My families would book me weeks, sometimes months in advance or group families together so they could attend the same event or take me with them on vacation or leave me with their children while they enjoyed an adult vacation.  Almost every summer until I went to college I had at least one steady gig and then filled in with other families as time allowed.  Once my families knew I was adopted, they would often ask me …”When you grow up, do you want to adopt”?

They didnt know that my afather sexually abused me and although they knew my amother and I had a precarious relationship, they didnt know she had been my father’s accomplice and emotionally berated me on a daily basis.

Back then, I understood my limitations, and would quickly respond with….”I dont think so”.

The question….”Will you adopt and dont you miss having a daughter?” continued to be asked of me even after having my biological sons.  Most of my friends have told me….”You would be an excellent AP and wouldnt do what your mother did to you”.

I chose not to adopt because:

1) I wouldnt be able to love an adoptee and give was needed without taking away from my biological sons.

2. I didnt want to repeat the same cycle which was inflicted upon me.

I realize I had choices and not every parent does.  I have mixed emotions about adoption based upon my own experiences and especially those adoptions which biological children already exist prior to the adoption process.  Because I had the choice whether or not to adopt..I chose not to adopt.  

I could have repeated the same cycle as my family – have 2 bio sons then adopt a daughter.  Dont get me wrong……I would looooooove, loooooove, looooove to have a daughter to go shopping with, talk about the pros of being a woman, watch chick flicks together,  and do mother-daughter things I have never done.  Of course, I would revel in the opportunity to give someone a better life or prevent someone to going to an abusive home, but these are all my wants, and I feel very selfish motivations.

When I ask myself….Could I love an adoptee without taking away from my bio sons? …The honest answer is no.  I feel I have to consider that the adoptee would need different care, and most likely would require more time due to their early childhood or abandonment.  I would want to give an adoptee everything she deserved and more, but I could not guarantee that I could love an adoptee as my own, even though AND especially because I am an adoptee myself.  Simply having the same shared experience and empathy does not qualify me to be an adoptive parent, just like being a celebrity or having money qualifies Madonna, Angelina Jolie,  Jon Cryer or Katherine Hiegl.  It doesnt matter to me if the adoptee has a disability either.  Are those children with disabilities less valuable and therefore lower standards should apply?  I argue because of their disability, the standard should be higher.  Adoption in itself should not be a norm, but the exception.

I dont think it would be fair to my bio sons to bring an adoptee into our family. Children do not have the capability to understand the consequences of such a permanent change within the family structure.  Although they could learn some valuable life lessons from the experience, I dont feel that they need to feel the brunt of what my aparents did or did not do.

I wish my aMom would have honestly answered this same question.  I think had she, I would have been placed in another family and possibly a different set of life experiences.  I believe my Amom did not adopt me because she wanted best for me and felt she could provide it.  Instead, my adoption was merely for convenience sake…..similar to the Katherine Heigl situation.  My amom had several miscarriages and hated being pregnant.  The desire to have more children, especially a girl, rested mostly with my afather. The easiest way to guarantee a girl…was to adopt.  They also knew another family who adopted a Korean and felt they were saving me from poverty.  All of this was captured in written words in the ONE Holt home study completed prior to my adoption.  Those words were already implanted within me though.  I had lived that experience and I refuse to repeat that cycle.

On WE, there is a new series called Adoption Diaries.  Every episode I have watched, I havent once seen a pregnant mom voice…I am being selfish and I choosing my life first.  I know that IS part of the thought process.  I could easily find someone who has more money, possibly less baggage and the appearance they have more to give a child than I do, but…….ultimately, the children I have been given are mine to raise, love and nuture to the best of my ability.  I want WE to show birthmothers who dont think of adoption as humane alternative to abortion, but instead a selfish way out of their responsibilities.  Look at WE’s summary of the show…

“About Adoption Diaries

WE tv’s new original series, Adoption Diaries, explores the process in which privately held open adoptions take place. The series showcases the matching process between couples who, having struggled with infertility, turn to adoption and the brave, expecting mothers whose difficult and selfless decision to place their children for adoption makes it all possible”

I bolded brave and selfless.  This medium chooses to paint the birthmothers as saints and heroines.  These expectant mothers ARE influenced to give their babies up to adoption because no one is saying….”Why are you being selfish and thinking of what you cant give rather than what you can give.”  Maybe if those words are spoken as many times as the words…..they are selfless and giving the greatest gift possible, they would think deeper and harder about their baby’s fate.  Also,  if someone would tell them that the emotional guilt isnt worth the freedom to go to school, date or work without children and they are playing Russian Roulette with their baby’s life, maybe then, adoption would be an exception, not an mainstream alternative. 

In twenty years, I doubt my sons will be angry at me because I didnt drive a Hummer but if I had given them up to adoption because I didnt have my life lined up perfectly, I would expect to see them angry and I hope more expectant birth mothers will put greater emphasis on what they have to give rather than what they dont have.

I still love being around children of all ages.  I am the one who talks my son’s friends….the one who plays with my friend’s children ….the one who spies the little girls clothing in the department stores and all the cute accessories… the one who bends over to pick what a young mother drops in the store so she can focus on her mommy duties….the one who will act goofy to distract a crying child….but I still wouldnt be an AP.

Chinese Fortune Cookie

Today, due to time constraints, I met a friend and former co-worker at a Chinese restaurant for lunch.

Here is the fortune I received in my cookie …

 

Yeah…I am looking for any good sign right now….

My friend’s fortune…. ” You will be rewarded this week for listening to a friend”.

Wow, I have to wait a year to see if mine comes true…..!  Maybe I will play the lottery tonight.  I have the numbers…LOL

Adoption and Adoptive Parents

I recently ran into some APs who I hadnt seen in 9 years.  They had adopted two boys from Korea and I found that I am as torn about them as I was back then.  While I find the Amom to be quite interesting, there is just something about her…..possibly a smell of alcohol on her breath.  Their youngest son seems to be in his own world and somewhat mentally delayed.  I am no expert but his presence within the family seems to be disjointed, while the oldest boy seems to be eager to please, yet cautious as well. 

There were rumors within my former circle of friends that this Amom had alcohol issues, along with possibly a mental disease.  None of this has been confirmed.  No one has been invited into her home, yet they have been to all of ours. Nine years later, she continues to ask me to be a camp counselor and speaker for a Korean culture camp, which I have declined repeatedly.  I am definitely not a spokesperson for adoption, and unsure if  I could put a positive spin to my perspective on adoption yet.  Not sure if  APs want to hear…”My adoption life sucked, hope you give better to your children”.  Or…. Do you know where your husband is going at night, when he slips out of bed, thinking you’re asleep?…..Or, better yet…”No matter how much you love your children, they may still feel adopted and nothing you do can change that”.

While I am cautious about saying these APs are wonderful because they take their sons to a Korean restaurant regularly, have educated their “white” community about Koreans, and attend culture camp….. I cant ignore that they know more about Koreans than I do.  I flashback to my childhood though…when people (strangers, friends, acquaintances, etc…) would tell me how lucky I was to have been adopted and how wonderful my aparents were.  We looked normal to everyone.  And to many, we looked more than normal, we appeared to be blessed.  As I focus on looking at the present situation rather than bringing in my past feelings and experiences, I cannot deny the smell alcohol on her breath at 1 in the afternoon.  It’s difficult to get past that.

With that being said, I want them to have a meal in our home with us.  It was this AP who gave me two books, nine years ago and asked me questions which have forced me to think of my own adoption.

Like getting older, but

I have switched over from my morning coffee to water, started both the laundry and dishwasher, and so, now I am ready to write this post.

With my birthday coming up, I have never felt so close to death before.  These past months, I admit I have felt death knocking on my door, but I have no fatal diagnosis or symptoms.  I wonder if this is a normal response in mid-life.

Three years ago, I questioned my marriage, work and my overall life.  I decided it was time for a change.  I resigned about 6 months later as  project manager for Fortune 500 company and settled into being a stay-at-home mom again. The first year, I explored who I am and focused on improving myself, my marriage and our family.  While I was happier be be rid of the work grind and all the drama which occurs within a big corporate structure, I still felt I was searching aimlessly for my purpose in life.  Is it enough just to be the best wife and mother I can be?  Or is there another purpose I could serve.

About this same time last year, I began thinking of my adoption and did my initial inquiry to Holt on the process and requirements to search for my birth family(BFS) and friend from the orphanage, but decided to put it on hold until after the holidays.  I have learned so much about adoptions from Korea in the past 10 months, but yet, I still feel I know so very little about it too.   I could easily become consumed with the BFS, learning about Korea and adoptions, but in the last few weeks, I have been asking myself….Where is this all going?….Am I just wasting time?…..Am I in a state of avoidance?  Do I really want to put my time and financial resources into going to a country which gave me up forty years ago?  Digging deeper, do I really want to keep searching for my birth family who may or may not tell me the truth of my abandonment?

The truth….is somewhere is Korea.  It’s either locked away in a paper file, held by Holt Korea or Mookungai orphanage or buried within a group of people who have died or who choose to keep the secrets within, never to be spoken of again.  I know my husband and sons love me….why is that not enough?  My left brain seems to be on auto-pilot most of the time, moves forward with the motions and completes the steps necessary to do the BFS, but emotionally I hold back and I dont allow my inner most vulnerabilites reveal themselves.  Yet,  I know they are there.  

My thoughts about death are not suicidal, nor is there fear.  I have always liked getting older, but I havent necessarily enjoyed birthdays though.  Birthdays for me have always been a reminder of my adoption and abandonment.   This year, Holt Korea via Holt International relayed that they did not know how I received my birthdate or Korean name.  It’s these lies which create anger.  Was it a lie when Holt told my aparents 40 years ago that I had been given my birthdate and name a few days after my birth?…. Or is it a lie that Holt Korea in 2009 doesnt know anything around my abandonment.  Are we adoptees supposed to be content knowing that Holt had shoddy record keeping and they didnt forsee adoptees wanting access to their birth records?  Or is is like a KAD recently shared with me…..all adoptees have lies in their files…adoption is based on lies to protect the birthmother….KADs reunited with their birth families hear more lies…..No one tells the truth about adoption.

This year…..I would like to forget my birthday, tuck it under my pillow and smother it as I sleep, but I wont.  I have a family who wants to treat it like a special day and because of my love for them, I  will put my feelings aside as much I can.   Getting older for me, means I have learned more life lessons but having birthdays have not become easier.

Maybe a Libra?

My “birthday” is coming up, so my amom sent me a card.  It’s one of the nicest she has given me, but seems to be full of contradictions and somewhat impersonal.

 Since the day I was born?  Which day was that?  Not even Holt can or will tell me.  I am now a miracle?  For whom?  Should I be the one thanking God?  Why does a card have more words than a person?  When can I expect similar words come from you or am I supposed to replace the word God with “I” to stand for you.  Am I supposed to interpret as these are your feelings or is this another way for you to tell me how I should feel about God?  This birthday I feel more anger and bewilderment than ever before about my adoption.  Maybe next year, it will change and then again, maybe it won’t. 

Here is how I would edit this card:

For an adopted daughter

Since the day you arrived in the U.S., you have been a burden to me, didnt fit into our family and should have been more grateful we saved you.

As you grew stronger, you realized you could change your destiny.  I dont agree with all you have done, but you did it, anyways, in spite of my objections.  You may not live up to my standards, but you no longer seek my approval. You chose to rescript your life and discovered you were not all the bad things I told you.

You asked for God’s help and although you felt alone, God was always there, especially when I wasnt. 

You are a reminder of my failures and that God’s grace extends to all, even to perpetrators.

Although no one will tell you your birthdate, let’s take this day to celebrate your life. Now that you are grown, live far away, and are searching for your birth family, I will now send you the love I am capable of giving you so you may feel like we are family.

Mom