Double Your Donation to Korean Quarterly on Nov 17th

Give to the Max” this Tuesday and benefit Korean Quarterly!
Korean Quarterly is participating in a unique new philanthropy program in Minnesota which will make your year-end donation to KQ go farther (maybe twice as far!)

November 17 has been designated as “Give to the Max” Day by the Minnesota Community Foundation and other partnering non-profit leaders in Minnesota.  When you give to Korean Quarterly on that day through the GiveMN.org site (from 8 a.m Tuesday through 8 a.m Wednesday),  the first million dollars pledged on that day (to any organization) will be matched 100 percent by the GiveMN partners. (Hint:  make your donation at 8 a.m.!)  There are also cash prizes that day for the organization that gets the greatest number of donors.

To do this, go to www.GiveMN.org, and type in Korean Quarterly in the search box to find our page. There is no administrative fee to use this service. There’s a minimum donation of $10 (no maximum) — credit card only. 

This opportunity comes at a good time for Korean Quarterly.  Like many organizations, Korean Quarterly has had rising costs and a shrinking budget in the past year.  With the flagging economy, businesses have cut back their advertising dollars, leaving Korean Quarterly with less revenue coming from the usual sources.

Yet, Korean Quarterly has continued to produce a high-quality product, with news about the Korean American and adopted Korean communities which is not available from any other source.

Thanks to our advertisers, subscribers, and donors, Korean Quarterly has been a successful project up to now. Help us stay strong with a year-end gift through this simple but ambitious program offered by GiveMN on November 17.
All you need to do is:
1.  type www.GiveMN.org
2.  type KOREAN QUARTERLY and click on the donate button to start your donation.

Please help spread the word about this unique way to support Korean Quarterly and many thanks!

Adoptees, Unwed Mothers and Lawyers Unite in Korea

A generation fights to reform adoption laws November 11, 2009

 

Six Korean adoptees filed an appeal with the Anti-corruption and Civil Rights Commission last year to request a probe into irregularities in their adoption documents and possible illegal procedures at local adoption agencies.

Now, they¡¯re involved in a full-fledged battle to reform adoption laws and procedures, and they¡¯re getting help from some heavyweights.

Adoptee rights and community groups as well as unwed mothers, the public interest law firm Gong-Gam and Democratic Party Representative Choi Young-hee have joined forces with the adoptees in an effort to convince lawmakers to revise the Special Law Relating to the Promotion and Procedure of Adoption.

The National Assembly has now taken up the issue and is exploring changes through a series of hearings.

The latest hearing took place yesterday.

If their efforts succeed, the groups will drastically change the landscape of domestic and international adoption in Korea, a country which lawmaker Choi said at yesterday¡¯s hearing said ¡°still has a stigma attached to it as one of the major exporters of children.¡±

It would also rank as one of the few cases in the world where adoptees returned to their original country and changed adoption practices through legislation.

False records

When they started this quest, the adoptees, hailing from three different countries, said their adoption records contained contradictory information.

	Adoptee Jane Jeong Trenka

In one case, an adoptee only identified by her initials, SIA, said her adoptive parents in Denmark were informed by an adoption agency in 1977 that it did not have the records of her birth parents. But when SIA came to Korea in 1998 and asked for information about them, the agency did in fact have information about her birth mother. SIA also found that the adoption was done without her mother¡¯s consent.

In another case, an adoptee only identified as PYJ said her adoption agency created a new identity for her when she was sent to Norway for adoption in 1975.

Their initial attempt to delve into the issue hit a brick wall when the civil rights commission dismissed the appeal, citing a lack of proper administrative procedures in Korea at the time of their adoption.

Taking on the law

The adoptees, however, did not stop there. Instead of filing another petition or begging for the release of their records at adoption agencies, they decided to try to revise adoption-related laws to find out the truth and improve the system.

According to the Ministry for Health, Welfare and Family Affairs, 161,588 Korean children were sent overseas for adoption from 1958 through 2008. Korea is the world¡¯s fifth-largest exporter of children behind China, Guatemala, Russia and Ethiopia as of 2007, according to World Partners Adoption Inc.

¡°Most Korean adoptees are growing up in foreign countries and facing confusion over their identity. Even though they come to Korea to find their roots, there are few cases in which they are given accurate information on their birth or succeed in locating their birth parents. To improve the situation, we decided to hold a hearing on revising the Special Act,¡± lawmaker Choi said.

Need for stricter regulations

The proposed bill starts with the idea that foreign, and even domestic, adoption is not the best option for children and that public assistance should be given to mothers to help them raise their children, a concept that follows international adoption practices. It also incorporates the notion that adoption processes need to be more strictly regulated to prevent possible abuses by adoption agencies.

¡°The government wants to push domestic adoption, but all the children already have mothers,¡± said Jane Jeong Trenka, the president of the Truth and Reconciliation for the Adoption Community of Korea and one of the adoptees who filed the appeal at the commission. ¡°The children can stay with their mothers. Single mothers should be given resources to raise their own children. It is still a matter of social prejudice in Korea.¡±

	A National Assembly hearing was held yesterday on revising Korea¡¯s special adoption law. By Jeon Min-gyu

Trenka added that a number of adoptees had families but were reclassified as orphans before they were sent abroad for adoption. ¡°Because their records were manipulated, only 2.7 percent of adoptees succeed in locating their birth parents,¡± she said.

The majority of children relinquished for adoption in Korea are the children of unwed mothers. Of the 2,556 adoptions in 2008, international and domestic, 2,170 were the children of unwed mothers. Others were from low-income families or broken homes.

One of the biggest obstacles that prevents these women from raising their children on their own is the social stigma they face as unwed mothers. Another is the lack of social welfare services available to them should they choose to raise their child.

Trenka was adopted by a couple in Minnesota in the United States in 1972 when she was six months old. In 2007, Trenka and other Korean adoptees founded TRACK to help get the government to fully acknowledge its past and present adoption practices.

Reverend Kim Do-hyun, who is the director of KoRoot, which provides accommodation for Korean adoptees returning to the country, echoed those thoughts.

¡°Behind the Special Law is an idea that adoption needs to be encouraged,¡± Kim said. ¡°But adoption is not something that we should promote. Rather than pushing adoption, we should reinforce the original family to prevent further separation between mothers and their children.¡±

Adoption as a business

One of the major changes proposed by the bill drafted by the public interest law firm Gong-Gam is that it would require court approval for all types of adoptions – currently they¡¯re needed only for domestic adoptions – and increase government intervention in matters dealt with mostly by private adoption agencies.

The adoptees say there needs to be more government involvement in adoption because as more adult adoptees reunite with their birth parents and gain access to their records, examples of dubious international adoption practices have surfaced.

TRACK has been documenting these cases through interviews with adoptees and their birth families. They found that in some cases an orphan hojeok (family registry) is produced for a child sent for international adoption, even if the child has a family. Contradictions were also found between the records held by adoptive parents and those kept by the adoption agency. In one case the child was malnourished at the time of adoption but the records sent to the adoptive parents overseas stated the child was healthy. In another case, a child was given up for domestic adoption but was sent abroad for international adoption.

The adoptee coalition believes such irregularities occurred because adoption agencies manipulated records to push international adoption, which is very profitable.

According to the Health Ministry, the four adoption agencies authorized to facilitate international adoptions charge 13 million won ($17,211) to 20 million won for each child sent for international adoption.

Pressure on moms

Another proposed revision would give women a minimum of 30 days to make a decision on adoption, which is standard in Western countries. There is no set period for this in South Korea.

Observers say women are often forced to sign an agreement on adoption almost right after giving birth. If the mothers change their mind, the agencies charge them for all expenses they¡¯ve incurred, from child delivery to the shelters they run. They said adoption agencies tend to encourage adoption rather than telling the women that there are other options available such as raising their child on their own.

¡°Adoption agencies pressure you to give up your child,¡± Choi Hyang-sook, a member of the group Miss Mamma Mia, which is also part of the adoptee coalition, said at yesterday¡¯s hearing.

Access to records

Third, the agencies would be obligated to provide adoptees with all information on their birth parents, with the exception of name and registration number if the birth parents do not want their identities revealed. Kim said adoption agencies are often reluctant to share information with adoptees who are looking for their birth parents and vice versa because they are afraid that past abuses could become public knowledge.

¡°Adoption agencies provide adult adoptees with only partial information, citing the protection of their birth parents¡¯ privacy,¡± Kim said. ¡°The agencies have often falsified data to suit adoptive parents¡¯ taste or to abide by the laws of the country to which they are sending a child. There were cases in which adoptees were classified as orphans when they were not. The more information they reveal, the more their reputation can be damaged.¡±

One adoption agency disputed the accusations. ¡°There are records we can open but there are those we can¡¯t,¡± said Choi An-yeo, a manager at Holt Children¡¯s Services Inc., the biggest and oldest adoption agency in Korea.

Choi said things were different a few decades ago. ¡°Then, it was possible to send an abandoned child abroad for adoption. If someone brought in a child and lied that he or she was a legal guardian, there would be no way for us to find out. We only have followed the laws and we will continue to do so,¡± she added.

Unifying adoption bills

Democratic Party Representative Choi is sponsoring the proposal while the Health Ministry is also drawing up its own bill. It is not certain how the government bill is going to be shaped but Park Sook-ja, the director of the Office for Child, Youth and Family Policy at the Health Ministry, said she generally sympathizes with the adoptee coalition. ¡°We share similar ideas in general, but we need to take it one step at a time,¡± Park said.

The ministry has already held two hearings on the bill, however, Park said it is too early to talk about the bill as the final version has not been made yet.

Choi said the differences between the two bills will likely be ironed out before a unified bill is presented to the Assembly early next year.

Based on ¡®lies¡¯

Dozens of adoptees including Trenka attended the hearing yesterday in the hope that the bill Choi presented can transform adoption practices here.

Trenka commented, ¡°Adoption may be an act of love, but all adoptions are meant to separate children from their mothers.¡±

Trenka started writing to her birth parents regularly when she was 16 years old. Her adoptive parents did not like her keeping in touch with her birth parents but one day she found letters from her birth mother in her adoptive parents¡¯ mailbox. Her birth mother had found her adoptive parents¡¯ address and kept sending her letters. Trenka said she still remembers the time she reunited with her birth mother.

¡°My mother was so emotional. I¡¯d never seen a person so emotional,¡± she said. ¡°She sat on the floor and poured her heart out.¡±

Trenka reunited with the rest of her birth family in the 1990s.

¡°Adoption is a big lie. Its success depends on everyone believing in that lie. They [my adoptive parents] wanted to believe in that lie but I could not do that.¡± Asked why she is devoting herself to creating the law, she said, ¡°For my mother. My mother died but if I don¡¯t try to change things, my suffering has no meaning.¡±

By Limb Jae-un [jbiz91@joongang.co.kr]

November is National Adoption Month

As November is National Adoption Month, I have been thinking about what has led me to this place now where I think about adoption almost everyday.

About three years ago…..before I really thought about my adoption,  I was at a place in my life, almost 40, and unhappy with my career, marriage and life in general….my manager forwarded this video to our team.

Being the sap that I am, I found myself crying, right in the middle of a busy workday.  Later that night, I googled team Hoyt and read their story. I really couldn’t imagine what it was like to have a father or mother who loved me so much that  I would be carried, pulled, pushed in a marathon or triathlon.  I could imagine what it was like for me to fight to my death for my sons, because as a mother, that’s how I feel.  I then googled MercyMe, the group performing the song on this video…”I Can Only Imagine”.  The singer and song writer, Bart Millard, explained the inspiration behind this song….He wrote this song after his father died because he often would hear people say to him….”I can only imagine what it feels like to lose someone…yada yada yada.  Bart was a man of great faith, but even he struggled with grief over losing his father and wrote this song, because he wanted to express his sadness of losing someone important to him,  although he knew God was taking care of his father. ”I Can Only Imagine” has become an inspirational song, but the song wasnt written to be inspirational…it was written so a man of great faith could express his anger, sadness and frustration over the death of his father, which made no sense to him.  Once I learned this, I loved the song even more.

This song became my safe haven during the work day for about 6 months.  If I got a nasty email from someone, heard destructive gossip or just felt like life was being sucked from my spirit, I would think of this song or click play with my headphones on. 

A few months later, I looked up MercyMe again and found they were doing a concert about 3 hrs from me.  I called a friend who was going through a difficult time in her life and asked her if she was interested in going with me.  I found out this was her favorite Christian group and the concert fell on her birthday weekend.  She was excited to make this concert her birthday present to herself.  I made all the arrangements and a few weeks later, we found ourselves chatting all the way there, having dinner and then going to the concert. 

The opening band, Audio Adrenaline, was on their farewell tour.  I had never heard of them, although they were very big in the Christian rock world.  Up to this point, I sang Christian rock songs in church, but had little knowledge about that genre of music.  This band was amazing!  I expected to love seeing MercyMe, but had no idea that an opening band could have such a big impact on me and my life. One of  the songs Audio Adrenaline performed that night, The Ocean Floor, hit me hard.  Here are the lyrics…

The mistakes I’ve made
That caused pain
I could have done without
All my selfish thought
All my pride
The things I hide
You have forgot about
They’re all behind you
They’ll never find you
They’re on the ocean floor
Your sins are forgotten
They’re on the bottom
Of the ocean floor
My misdeeds
All my greed
All the things that haunt me now
They’re not a pretty sight to see
But they’re wiped away
By a mighty, mighty wave
A mighty, mighty wave
Your sins are erased
And they are no more
They’re out on the ocean floor
Take them away
To return no more
Take them away
To the ocean floor

If you have about 5 extra minutes, take a look and listen on YouTube…it really is a beautiful song……

I had been seriously thinking about quitting work.  During this song, I believe God spoke to me and said….You know what to do and you will be ok.  At that moment, I knew I would resign and I would be taken care of and that I was doing what was good for me and my family.  Two weeks later, I submitted my resignation.

To this day, my former manager has no idea that it was the This Father’s Love video he sent to me, which triggered a series of events and ultimately led to my resignation. I learned from this experience that the bad stuff in your life can sometimes impact your life postively.  During the rough times at work, I didnt have faith most of the time that God was with me, which was far from the truth.  My manager who once treated me respectfully, began to treat me badly and unfairly, but ended up inadvertently doing something which changed my life forever….and in a good way.  And God has always provided for us….even after losing one income.

Until this past year, I was looking for meaning in my work, but recently I realized that I can find meaning in my work with how I choose to spend the money I make.

I believe in the quietness of not working, I was able to gain the strength to look into my adoption. 

Since my last birthday, I have been heavily contemplating how I can make more meaningful contributions to my church and TRACK.  Sure…I could send a few bucks here and there, but my heart says…that’s not enough.  I prayed about it for the past few weeks and then last Monday, two names popped in my head as soon as I woke up who I hadnt thought about in 6 months. Five minutes later when I checked my email, there was an email from one of  those people, asking if I thought about returning to work yet and if so, she had a friend who was in the market for someone like me.

Monday I had the interview and it went very well.  I dont know the outcome yet and in a sense it does not matter.  I know that God is opening doors for me and I am headed in the right direction.

Since my interview, I have found out both these people went to this man I interviewed with and said….I know the perfect person for this job, etc….

If I was single without children, I would have already been on a plane to Korea, but I am not.  There is a way for me to make a positive impact in Korea, sitting right here in the US.

My heart is open to receiving God’ s intention for me and he is leading the way. 

As November is National Adoption Month, I would like for you to take a look  at Jane Jeong Trenka’s birthmother, Lee Pil-Rye, perspective. Jane is the author of Fugitive Visions and The Language of Blood, and co-editor of Outsiders Within: Writing on Transracial Adoption. She is president of TRACK (Truth and Reconciliation for the Adoption Community of Korea).

Please take a look at what adoption meant to the late Lee Pil-Rye….What Does Gotcha Mean?

Birth Family Search Unlike Sudoku

Yep, I am doing laundry again.

Tuesday is my usual laundry day.  If left to my own desire, I would typically forego all housework as it’s not something I love to do, but something I do to give to my family.  I dont find joy in the actual work itself, but the peace it brings to our family.  Keeping work as a routine, helps me to be organized and gets it accomplished.  Otherwise, I may choose something more fun, like reading a book, visiting with friends or playing Sudoku to fill my time when I am bored.

Last September I injured my ankle and had to stay off my foot entirely for 3 days.  Sudoku kept my mind busy, but it didnt take long for me to get hooked.  It reminds me of when I was addicted to Mahjong back in the early 90’s.  I had a 20 lb laptop (I dont think I am exaggerating) and would close the door to my office (back when real offices existed for non execs, not cubicles they now call “offices”) and although I was paid by commission and bonus only, I still felt guilty for sneaking Mahjong games during the work day.  I removed the program within a month to keep myself on track.  A few months later, I was introduced to Tetris on Nintendo.  The first day I played, my eyes were tearing because I played like 8 hours straight and only pulled away because I had a party to attend and someone physically tugged my arm. 

I have known since then that I have an addictive tendency.  Granted it’s not drugs or alcohol, but any addiction if improperly kept in check, can destroy lives.  So when I say that I am now addicted to Sudoku, I mean that I love playing it, but I dont allow it to come before the important people in my life or things which I want to have priority like paying bills, cooking for the family or maintaining the housework. 

I have been a stay-at-mom two times in my life…when my sons were little and now. I know there will be a time when I return to the workforce, but the next go-around, I pledge not to allow work to come before my family.  That’s the mistake I made last time.  I allowed too many promotions and position changes, which required more and more of my time and chose to let it interfere with my family.  It wasn’t worth what it did to our family and the guilt I felt when I was away. My temporary hiatus from the workforce has afforded me the opportunity to explore my adoption and bring back a level of comfort and stability within our family’s home life.

Talking about my adoption, brings me back to Sudoku, which is a fun, yet challenging game.  You can choose your level of difficulty, time yourself or just play it leisurely.  I work my book from back to front, choosing the most difficult puzzles first.  I wish that I could compare my birth family search to a Sudoku game, but it’s not the same.  With Sudoku, I know I will only have one right solution, no matter the difficulty level and eventually I will know if I’ve made an error.  I then backtrack and remove all my errors (I use a whiteout pen) and then redo the puzzle.  Organizations, like G.O.A’L, have listed on their website a suggested process for searching for your birth family, but in my case there are too many unknowns.  I know that my next step is to go to Korea, but the result of taking that trip is also an unknown.  With Sudoku, there are unknowns but it is solvable, whereas finding my birth family may always remain unsolved. I wouldnt mind choosing the “Challenger” level with the birth family search if I knew that I would eventually get to solve the mystery. 

If you dont see a post from me on a Tuesday,  I am probably happily solving a puzzle in between laundry loads, wishing my adoption story could unfold like Sudoku.

It wasnt enough until now.. My DNA Result

It wasnt enough:

• I look “full Korean”, even to Korean Koreans.
• I knew my adoptive father was a liar.
• My Afather’s story of how he rescued me from Korea sounded unbelievable.
• Finding details about my adoption has always been explained to me as “finding a needle in a haystack”.
• I have been afforded better opportunities in the US than had I stayed in Korea.

So here is MY quote for the day.

When truth doesnt find you….you find the truth.

In my May 1st post…Why Did you Adopt Me?   My Identity Story….I explained that I was 99.9999999% confident my adoptive father lied to me and he was NOT my biological father as he told me and countless others.  My gut told me he concocted another lie.  Twenty-five years and two months later, I went to a DNA lab to give me scientific proof.

Although adoptive father is no longer living….he did father 2 biological sons.  The DNA lab performed a half-siblings test.  Basically, the test calculated the probability of bio son and I sharing the same father.

Here is the result.

 

.00001% probability we share the same father!

My gut was the same as the DNA results!  The DNA tests validates my adoptive father was a liar AND there is no way in hell he EVER fathered me.  If my afather’s lie was the truth, my biological mother died 41 years ago.   This test tells me that I am not related to the sicko AND there is hope my biological mother is still living. 

This is such an awesome feeling!  Even though I am by myself, I shouted and danced around!  Finally, some good news!

It wasnt enough…until now!

Today, it’s my birthday in Korea

Today, it’s my birthday…in Korea. I wonder if my birth family saw me on the KBS show,  “I Miss That Person”, back in July. I also wonder…is my birthmom still alive and if she is….does she think about me?

My birthday is simultaneously tenuous and perplexing.  As an adoptee, not knowing my actual birthday reminds me of my adoption and all the mixed emotions attached to it and at the same time, adds the feelings of unimportance to it.  If I dont know my actual birthdate, why should I attach importance to the day?

Many of us adoptees are looking for validation.  I am grateful, learning I was abandoned in Daegu and not Seoul as originally reported to my adoptive parents, although it was a struggle to receive my files from Holt and Holt Korea.  And eventhough, the paperwork raised more questions and doubts within me, simply validating that I DID exist in Korea at one time and that not all remnants of my Korean existence were washed away with my adoption, I cried with joy and sadness for the motherless, Korean daughter I was in 1968. 

I am still feeling the backlash from my adoption because I have no validation from birth until 12/2/1968.   I am not alone.

With over 200,000 adoptees spread over this earth of ours, the seeds of adoption have been spread for over fifty years from Korea, The Land of the Morning Calm. 

Over fifty years……

A few of these seeds have returned to Korea, looking for answers to their own birth stories and more importantly, to promote awareness and reform within Korea.

Today, I am thinking about dandelions in a different way than most American think of dandelions.

Have you ever noticed dandelions grow seemingly overnight?  And wondered where those seeds actually scatter and plant themselves?  Did you know that while Americans view dandelions as a weed, Koreans consider them a flower? Korean Flower of Spring: Dandelion

The past three years, I have been pulling dandelions out of my yard almost daily (during their growing season) with my handy dandy hand tool.  When I miss a day, I am amazed on how many actually mature and spread their seeds before I yank them by their roots.  This past year, I learned about the activism in Korea to change adoptions and the way unwed mothers are treated.

Now, secretly, I rejoice the few dandelions who make it to maturity as my way to rebel against my American culture.  Additionally, the survivors symbolize the Dandelion movement to me in Korea.

I am sure of one thing about my birthdate…. Adoptions from Korea have been occurring before my birth.  Adoption agencies have protected their balance sheets long before my existence and continue to dismiss adoptees’ rights to have full access to birth records using language and culture barriers, subtle (sometimes overt) legal strategies and corporate structures. 

Today, I will purposely leave the dandelions in my yard alone, allow their seeds to scatter and plant themselves as my way to pay tribute to all the adoptees amd activists in Korea who are making changes in Korea.   In celebration of my birthday, I will make a contribution to TRACK and make this a birthday in which I think of something bigger than myself and my own personal frustrations.

One week for DNA results

I called the DNA lab today to check the status of my DNA test.  The customer service representative told me I should expect the results by October 8th.  One week away….

No AP Material Girl Here

Since the age of 12, I have loved being around children.  I was still a child myself, but was considered to be mature and responsible beyond my years. There were older girls in my neighborhood, but none of them could impress the parents as much as I did,  nor did they play with the children like I did, and so I became the neighborhood’s most popular babysitter.  My families would book me weeks, sometimes months in advance or group families together so they could attend the same event or take me with them on vacation or leave me with their children while they enjoyed an adult vacation.  Almost every summer until I went to college I had at least one steady gig and then filled in with other families as time allowed.  Once my families knew I was adopted, they would often ask me …”When you grow up, do you want to adopt”?

They didnt know that my afather sexually abused me and although they knew my amother and I had a precarious relationship, they didnt know she had been my father’s accomplice and emotionally berated me on a daily basis.

Back then, I understood my limitations, and would quickly respond with….”I dont think so”.

The question….”Will you adopt and dont you miss having a daughter?” continued to be asked of me even after having my biological sons.  Most of my friends have told me….”You would be an excellent AP and wouldnt do what your mother did to you”.

I chose not to adopt because:

1) I wouldnt be able to love an adoptee and give was needed without taking away from my biological sons.

2. I didnt want to repeat the same cycle which was inflicted upon me.

I realize I had choices and not every parent does.  I have mixed emotions about adoption based upon my own experiences and especially those adoptions which biological children already exist prior to the adoption process.  Because I had the choice whether or not to adopt..I chose not to adopt.  

I could have repeated the same cycle as my family – have 2 bio sons then adopt a daughter.  Dont get me wrong……I would looooooove, loooooove, looooove to have a daughter to go shopping with, talk about the pros of being a woman, watch chick flicks together,  and do mother-daughter things I have never done.  Of course, I would revel in the opportunity to give someone a better life or prevent someone to going to an abusive home, but these are all my wants, and I feel very selfish motivations.

When I ask myself….Could I love an adoptee without taking away from my bio sons? …The honest answer is no.  I feel I have to consider that the adoptee would need different care, and most likely would require more time due to their early childhood or abandonment.  I would want to give an adoptee everything she deserved and more, but I could not guarantee that I could love an adoptee as my own, even though AND especially because I am an adoptee myself.  Simply having the same shared experience and empathy does not qualify me to be an adoptive parent, just like being a celebrity or having money qualifies Madonna, Angelina Jolie,  Jon Cryer or Katherine Hiegl.  It doesnt matter to me if the adoptee has a disability either.  Are those children with disabilities less valuable and therefore lower standards should apply?  I argue because of their disability, the standard should be higher.  Adoption in itself should not be a norm, but the exception.

I dont think it would be fair to my bio sons to bring an adoptee into our family. Children do not have the capability to understand the consequences of such a permanent change within the family structure.  Although they could learn some valuable life lessons from the experience, I dont feel that they need to feel the brunt of what my aparents did or did not do.

I wish my aMom would have honestly answered this same question.  I think had she, I would have been placed in another family and possibly a different set of life experiences.  I believe my Amom did not adopt me because she wanted best for me and felt she could provide it.  Instead, my adoption was merely for convenience sake…..similar to the Katherine Heigl situation.  My amom had several miscarriages and hated being pregnant.  The desire to have more children, especially a girl, rested mostly with my afather. The easiest way to guarantee a girl…was to adopt.  They also knew another family who adopted a Korean and felt they were saving me from poverty.  All of this was captured in written words in the ONE Holt home study completed prior to my adoption.  Those words were already implanted within me though.  I had lived that experience and I refuse to repeat that cycle.

On WE, there is a new series called Adoption Diaries.  Every episode I have watched, I havent once seen a pregnant mom voice…I am being selfish and I choosing my life first.  I know that IS part of the thought process.  I could easily find someone who has more money, possibly less baggage and the appearance they have more to give a child than I do, but…….ultimately, the children I have been given are mine to raise, love and nuture to the best of my ability.  I want WE to show birthmothers who dont think of adoption as humane alternative to abortion, but instead a selfish way out of their responsibilities.  Look at WE’s summary of the show…

“About Adoption Diaries

WE tv’s new original series, Adoption Diaries, explores the process in which privately held open adoptions take place. The series showcases the matching process between couples who, having struggled with infertility, turn to adoption and the brave, expecting mothers whose difficult and selfless decision to place their children for adoption makes it all possible”

I bolded brave and selfless.  This medium chooses to paint the birthmothers as saints and heroines.  These expectant mothers ARE influenced to give their babies up to adoption because no one is saying….”Why are you being selfish and thinking of what you cant give rather than what you can give.”  Maybe if those words are spoken as many times as the words…..they are selfless and giving the greatest gift possible, they would think deeper and harder about their baby’s fate.  Also,  if someone would tell them that the emotional guilt isnt worth the freedom to go to school, date or work without children and they are playing Russian Roulette with their baby’s life, maybe then, adoption would be an exception, not an mainstream alternative. 

In twenty years, I doubt my sons will be angry at me because I didnt drive a Hummer but if I had given them up to adoption because I didnt have my life lined up perfectly, I would expect to see them angry and I hope more expectant birth mothers will put greater emphasis on what they have to give rather than what they dont have.

I still love being around children of all ages.  I am the one who talks my son’s friends….the one who plays with my friend’s children ….the one who spies the little girls clothing in the department stores and all the cute accessories… the one who bends over to pick what a young mother drops in the store so she can focus on her mommy duties….the one who will act goofy to distract a crying child….but I still wouldnt be an AP.

Chinese Fortune Cookie

Today, due to time constraints, I met a friend and former co-worker at a Chinese restaurant for lunch.

Here is the fortune I received in my cookie …

 

Yeah…I am looking for any good sign right now….

My friend’s fortune…. ” You will be rewarded this week for listening to a friend”.

Wow, I have to wait a year to see if mine comes true…..!  Maybe I will play the lottery tonight.  I have the numbers…LOL

Adoption and Adoptive Parents

I recently ran into some APs who I hadnt seen in 9 years.  They had adopted two boys from Korea and I found that I am as torn about them as I was back then.  While I find the Amom to be quite interesting, there is just something about her…..possibly a smell of alcohol on her breath.  Their youngest son seems to be in his own world and somewhat mentally delayed.  I am no expert but his presence within the family seems to be disjointed, while the oldest boy seems to be eager to please, yet cautious as well. 

There were rumors within my former circle of friends that this Amom had alcohol issues, along with possibly a mental disease.  None of this has been confirmed.  No one has been invited into her home, yet they have been to all of ours. Nine years later, she continues to ask me to be a camp counselor and speaker for a Korean culture camp, which I have declined repeatedly.  I am definitely not a spokesperson for adoption, and unsure if  I could put a positive spin to my perspective on adoption yet.  Not sure if  APs want to hear…”My adoption life sucked, hope you give better to your children”.  Or…. Do you know where your husband is going at night, when he slips out of bed, thinking you’re asleep?…..Or, better yet…”No matter how much you love your children, they may still feel adopted and nothing you do can change that”.

While I am cautious about saying these APs are wonderful because they take their sons to a Korean restaurant regularly, have educated their “white” community about Koreans, and attend culture camp….. I cant ignore that they know more about Koreans than I do.  I flashback to my childhood though…when people (strangers, friends, acquaintances, etc…) would tell me how lucky I was to have been adopted and how wonderful my aparents were.  We looked normal to everyone.  And to many, we looked more than normal, we appeared to be blessed.  As I focus on looking at the present situation rather than bringing in my past feelings and experiences, I cannot deny the smell alcohol on her breath at 1 in the afternoon.  It’s difficult to get past that.

With that being said, I want them to have a meal in our home with us.  It was this AP who gave me two books, nine years ago and asked me questions which have forced me to think of my own adoption.